Amore e Morte
by Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS
Summary: It's another day at Karakura High, but even normal days are decidely strange there. Read on for your recommended daily value of cracktastic humor...
1. Homeroom

Amore e Morte

A/N- Hi, all! Welcome to my first dabbling into the realm of Bleach. I've been obsessed with it for forever, but strangely enough, I haven't written anything for the fandom. Until now. –insert evil laughter- Beware: this is the crazy bi-product of reading manga scanlations all day long. There's no canon time this is set to, but it's basically during the period Ichigo spends training with the Vizards, minus the fact he, Chad, and Ishida don't ever seem to actually go to school during that arc. There'll be mild spoilers, but nothing too big or important. Also, there'll eventually be at least one unconventional couple, maybe more. What they'll be is super-top-secret, sorry! And yes, this'll have a semi-plot eventually, but the first chapter is pure craziness. You've been warned. Sooo… have fun and review, please!  
Disclaimer: Tragically, I don't own Bleach. Yet. But it's just a matter of time before Master Plan 867 will change that… Bwahahahaha! Aw crap, did I type that? Ahem… Forget anything you just saw about master plans. That's crazy talk.

Chapter One: Normality

Orihime stretched and let out a heavy sigh, unwittingly drawing the attention of half the boys in the class. Ochi-sensei was running late today, leaving her quality time for day-dreaming before first period started. The only problem was that since she'd been to the Soul Society and learned of shinigami, hollows, and everything else, her daydreams just couldn't match the strangeness of real life. It was downright disappointing. They were trying to rob her of her escapism! The mecha space penguins were surely behind it all. Aha!… there we go… daydream commencing in 3… 2…1…

A loud groan interrupted the rest of the class' chatter as Ochi-sensei staggered through the door. Her normally vibrant, albeit sarcastic eyes were bloodshot with a thousand angry red capillaries and ringed with dark circles of sleep-deprivation. Her skirt and blouse were crumpled and her dark hair jutted out from her head at improbable angles. She collapsed into her chair in a heap and rested her head atop folded arms. Seconds later, the class plunged into chaos.

"She… She's not dead, is she?" Rukia asked, jabbing Ichigo harder than necessary with her elbow, "And if she is, do we get out of class early?"

"You're sorta tactless, aren't you? Just because _you're_ dead doesn't mean you should be so indifferent about it." Ichigo hissed back, barely audibly.

"Sure, rub the whole I-have-a-real-body thing in my face." She whispered back indignantly. "Do you have any idea how annoying gigais can be? And how itchy?"

Luckily, the class loud-mouth drowned out their conversation and prevented the awkwardness that would've ensued from their classmates hearing it.

"NOOOO! SEEEENSSSSEEIIII!!!! I WILL AVENGE--" Keigo shouted melodramatically and at highest lung capacity, as usual.

"NOOOO! It's a Gin clone in penguin form! Bad, creepy space penGin! Stop grinning at me!" Orihime interrupted incoherently, drawing befuddled stares from everyone around her, except for Rukia, who collapsed into a fit of giggles. Ishida pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and tried to hide a smirk at the imagery.

"I can picture it now! …And it's surprisingly cute for being so evil." Rukia grinned, clapping her hands in glee.

Ochi-sensei opened one eye ponderously, then the other. Anyone watching was reminded of an angry dragon being awoken after being poked with a sword by some jock hero. Those observant few immediately shut up, fearing that their teacher might actually bite their heads off and clean her teeth with toothpicks made of their bones.

"DEAR TEACHER, REST IN PEACE! THIS WORLD WAS TOO GOOD FOR YOU!" Keigo fake-sobbed, determined not to be outdone in this attention-duel.

"Could. You. Be. Any. Louder?" the dragon—err, teacher—snarled softly.

"YOU'RE ALIVE--!" Keigo exclaimed, his tears of fake-sorrow instantly changing to tears of fake-joy.

Ochi-sensei glared at him fiercely and he cut his sentence own off.

"Did you not hear what I just said?" she grimaced softly, each word hanging menacingly in the air like a death sentence.

"I—err—sorry?" Keigo whimpered, scampering back to his seat and hiding behind Mizuiro.

"That's right-- Ow..." The teacher groaned, massaging her temples, "My own voice is giving me a headache."

She flopped forward and tried to cover her ears as much as possible.

Across the room, Matsumoto turned to Hitsugaya and chuckled quietly.

"You know, something tells me that teacher was on a bender last night."

"_You'd_ know all about that." Hitsugaya scoffed sourly before returning to his homework. "Now, if a train leaves Tokyo going 54.678 miles per hour and another train leaves Karakura going 45.9 miles per hour, how long until they meet and collide into a fiery ball of death and just how much do I not care?"

Matsumoto ignored his complaints and chatted on, "Woo, she must have the mother of all hangovers. I betcha Everclear was involved. Ahhh, imported booze that can peel paint off walls… how I love thee. Too bad Orihime doesn't keep anything like that in her house."

Hitsugaya raised his silver brows.

"Do you really want to see Orihime drunk? Look how she is normally."

Matsumoto paused and considered. "You're right. That would be scary. Nevermind! I betcha Uryu-san would be funny, though…"

Up front, Ochi-sensei raised her head with an expression of mild indignation and major pain.

"Hey! Creepy new kids who appeared out of nowhere, I heard that whole conversation about me being hungover. So what if I get a little plastered once in a while? Hell, you're not perfect either! What kind of self-respecting thirty-year-old is still in high school? And especially in the same class as her grade-schooler son?"

"Th-Thirty?? Me? YOU MEANIE!" Matsumoto quavered, wide tears spouting from her eyes. She paused and dug a bottle of pills out of her school bag. "Hmph, see if I give you any of my patented hang-over panacea."

The teacher's eyes lit up.

"Sorry, Ms. Mysteriously-alluring-foreigner-who-doesn't-look-a-day-over-eighteen!"

"That's right." Matsumoto smirked, tossing the bottle to the front of the room.

Ochi-sensei measured out two pills and tossed them back.

"Ahh, High-school alcoholism, you've saved—"

Her sentence was interrupted by snores as she fell face-first onto her desk into an apparent coma.

"S-Son???" Hitsugaya stuttered, a jolt of shock and disgust wracking his body.

Chad looked at the captain and vice-captain, then at his dozing teacher.

"Hmm… what did you give her?"

"Oh, just a little sleeping pill the fourth company always gives me to rest off my hangover so I don't complain to them all day. It's harmless."

"I see."

"S-S-SON?!?" Hitsugaya screeched in horror to the world in general.

"Man, I gotta solve his problems too?" Matsumoto sighed in pseudo-annoyance, "Here you go, captain."

He looked over, mouth still open in utter revulsion and anger. She took aim and swiftly threw a pill at his face. He looked shocked for a moment, then collapsed as it took effect.

"There, that's better." She grinned, dusting off her hands.

Meanwhile, lost in his own universe where the words 'common sense' were meaningless, Keigo took a deep breath in preparation for his next outburst, until Mizuiro surreptitiously punched him in the stomach.

"Ow-!" Keigo started, only to be smothered by his best friend's hand.

"I'm doing this for your own good. She'll totally fail you if you bother her right now."

Keigo's face contorted in abject disgust.

_Help! My human rights are being violated! _He shouted in his head, more out of habit than actually expecting someone in the class to heed his psychic call and rescue him, _I don't know where this hand's been! Aww, who am I kidding? It IS Mizuiro. It's probably been all over all eight of his sexy older model girlfriends. Curse him and his smug bishy effeminacy! _He paused his mental rant for a second as the lack of oxygen started to affect him._ Wait, where was I before I started on that tangent? Oh, right—Noo! This isn't supposed to be the way I leave this world! I'm supposed to suffocate in Orihime's luscious pillows and die happy, not get choked by some manhand! How much do you hate me, universe?!?_

Sensing his friend's decrease in brain function, Mizuiro sighed and loosened his hold.

"If I let go, do you promise to behave?"

Keigo nodded vigorously while beside him a female voice tittered.

"Oh my, yaoi bondage in class. How naughty. Stop, you're making me blush." Chizuru leered lecherously, licking her lesbian lips.

(No one could beat her in an alliteration war.)

Now it was Mizuiro's face's turn to contort in abject disgust. He released his hold, let out a few dry-heaves, and scurried to a corner, where he rocked on his haunches for the rest of class, rhythmically chanting "Eww" every few seconds. Chizuru crossed her arms and pouted.

"Aww, I didn't really mean it when I said stop. You're welcome to keep that show going. After all, it was just getting good."

As Ochi-sensei snored away at the front of the class, Keigo blushed hotly at all the attention Chizuru was giving him. Charisma with the ladies wasn't and would never be his strong point, despite his fantasies otherwise.

"Err… not that I'm complaining or anything, but aren't you a lesbian?" Just saying the word almost gave him a nose-bleed, "Why would two guys—?"

Chizuru put a manicured finger over her lips and made her deep-thinking face.

"Well, Orihime is off in a deliciously ditzy delirium and everyone else is ignoring me since teacher's acting so strange. I calculated the odds and figured you and Mizuiro would give me the best reaction, especially if I interrupted your cute little lovefest. Or, ya know, maybe it just turns out I'm bi-curious."

She snorted at the idea, then an evil grin flitted across her face.

"Hey, I wonder what Ichigo and Rukia would do if I hit on them at the same time? The idea has some merit. Even if Rukia is kind of… lacking certain assets. Maybe Orihime would get jealous, too…"

Ever a few minutes behind, Keigo suddenly bristled. It was all he could do to keep his voice at a normal volume.

"It-- It wasn't a lovefest!"

Chizuru tsked and smiled knowingly.

"Try to fool yourself all you want, but there's no denying it. Well, I think it's cute. You sorta remind me of Hime."

He managed to silently open and close his mouth a few times, but the shock he'd slipped into from her cruel implications wouldn't even allow him to make a silent scream. Had it not been for a kindly karate expert, he may have stayed rooted to that spot in horror for eight eternities, just for dramatic emphasis. Luckily, Tatsuki had been keeping track of her outlandish female classmate in case she tried to pick up Orihime again and upon seeing a broken, speechless Keigo, she decided to take action.

_Geez, it's like I've suddenly become everyone's Chizuru-defender. _

She strode across the room and loomed over Chizuru menacingly.

"C'mon, don't you have anything better to do than teasing him?"

Chizuru's eyes gleamed.

"Well, you and I could find something better to—"

A vicious one-hit KO punch caught her on the cheek before she could finish her proposal and she blacked out. Tatsuki cracked her knuckles languorously.

"You can thank me later, Asano."

"Wha? My reputation… tarnished… forever! World, let me proclaim that I'm one hundred percent straight!"

Tatsuki rolled her eyes and walked away, knowing he'd go on for an hour if she let him. She felt for Ochi-sensei. He was annoying normally, but she couldn't even imagine how grating his rants would be with a… err… "headache". At least her seat next to Chad ensured she occasionally had a little peace and quiet.

"EUREKA! I've got it!" Orihime exclaimed suddenly and randomly from lala-land, "I know how to destroy PenGin! I've just gotta throw him to make him explode… Like a Prinny from Disgaea… Mega baseball pitch super-move, activate! KaPOW! NOOO! Ishida-kun, are you all right? I think my throw might've been a little off… I was aiming for that telephone pole. To be fair, you do look a lot like it… What? That wasn't an insult! It was cute! I mean, now it's a little incinerated, but… Well, at least I defeated the boss, right? 6,000 EXP FOR ALL! "

Ishida put on his too-dignified-to-pay-attention-to-anyone-else face and tried to ignore the imaginary conversation his buxom classmate was having with him.

_Exploding penguins? A cute telephone pole? Where does she come up with these things?_

Certain others in the class weren't lucky enough to merely be puzzled. Orihime's painfully loud and high-pitched retelling of her fantasy's dialogue had awoken the bedraggled teacher again, but this time, instead of anger, the sudden assault of sound made her nauseous.

"Hurgh! Hold on, class! I've gotta—ugh!-- go visit my new therapist, Mr. W.C."

"Harmless, huh?" Chad asked, eyebrows raised.

"Eh heh… mostly harmless, at least." Matsumoto replied, biting her lip.

Orihime blinked as she re-entered the real world and smiled beatifically at Tatsuki and a now-conscious Chizuru.

"Ahh! Looks like she's been snapped out of it … Well, I'm off to my princess's side." Chizuru winked, trying to sashay away innocently before she was caught in a vice-grip from the second strongest high school girl in Japan.

"Not. So. Fast." Tatsuki growled, flexing her fist again.

"You can't separate us from each other forever! We're like Romea and Juliette! We're meant to be—"

Everything went black for her again thanks to Tatsuki's patented Sweet Dreams Sucker-Punch."

"Uhhh.. did I miss anything?" Orihime said, tilting her head to one side like a confused cocker-spaniel.

"Nope, nothing out of the ordinary…" Tatsuki shrugged, wishing that her definition of normal wasn't so completely and utterly warped.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N- Wow. That came out differently than I planned. Can you believe that for a very short while this was going to be slightly angsty? So much for that. I dare you, try to guess the 4 couplings I'll probably write in this. Hint: Two are common, two are really quite strange.

In the next chapter we'll find out why Ochi-sensei was out drinking, a deathly dull project is assigned, and more general craziness ensues.

Until then, why don't you leave a review? The periwinkle button is beckoning to you… You know it is…

Periwinkle Button: Click me… You know you want to! … Please, she'll hurt me and my family if you don't! Nooo! Not the iron maiden!!!

See?

Much love to you for making it this far,  
- CAT


	2. First Period

Amore e Morte

A/N- I miss summer vacation. I caught up on all the manga chapters of Bleach and I'm half-way through the Bountou saga of the anime. It's sorta lame, but it has Ishida as the star, so I've gotta watch it. Plus, if I squint really hard, there's Ishihime. Yeah, but I think it should be re-named the "Oh, those crazy vampires!" arc.  
... Just like I think Naruto should be renamed "Oh, those crazy ninjas!" -Ahem- /End Tangent/  
My thanks to all you super-cool people who reviewed. I heart you all.

Within five minutes of Ochi-sensei's impromptu sick leave, the class turned into a warzone of complete chaos. Renegade paper planes arced across the room until they ran out of imaginary fuel and fell to the floor. A follow-up round of spitballs whizzed through the air like tiny saliva-saturated missiles, making the more dramatic girls scream as if they were being disemboweled by a serial killer in a bad B-movie.

However, in an insolated corner of the room, something was amiss. In defiance of all the rules of the high school universe, five lone students were _studying_. In an unsupervised class. While everyone else was having fun.

Yes, in a strange reversal of roles, the habitual truants of a certain high school class were the only ones who weren't acting like bipolar monkeys on methamphetamines. Ichigo's magically-inclined posse huddled in a tight circle studying out of fear of failing midterms completely. ...Well, to be accurate, Ichigo was the only one with that particular fear. Though he'd also been gone for a while, Ishida wasn't terribly concerned; he could keep his spot in the top ten in the class without studying much. Orihime and Chad had actually been attending most classes, so they were only at the lamer-table out of loyalty to their friends. Rukia, of course, didn't need to pass high school, so she was mainly there to torture Ichigo.

"...So explain again why I should care about exactly how photosynthesis works? I'm not a plant..." Ichigo grumbled.

"I know!" Rukia said, waving her hand in the air enthusiastically, "It's so you'll... enhance your brain!"

She grinned proudly and bounced in her seat, ignoring the strange looks everyone was giving her. Beside her, Ishida pushed his glasses up his nose and winced.

"Don't tell me you actually listen to the guidance couselor's lectures... Not even I'M that nerdy."

"What? He gave me a juice box."

"..."

Rukia ignored his silence and went back to artistically expressing herself with her doodles of the unholy fusion of bunnies, marshmallows, and pure evil. Or, in other words, her notebook was covered in her freakish rendition of Peeps, which was especially disturbing since she'd never seen that particular Easter candy. Beside her, Orihime was doing some doodles of her own, which were equally disquieting. She finished up and turned the picture toward Ichigo. Most of it was assorted deadly-looking mechs interspersed with tiny cutesy trees and suns.

"Well, Ichigo, I remember it really easily if I think about it in pictures. See, it starts out with Mr. 3 Carbon Dioxide, alias 3CO2, who has a digimon named Mr. 6 Water, alias 6H2O, and then Mr. Photon beams down on them and they digivolve into-- Mr. C3H6O3 and Mr. 3O2, and so they protect their host, Mr. Photoautotroph from horrible starvation and they all live happily ever after with the flower children and tree huggers!"

"..."

Everyone stared incredulously at the... imaginative... ginger-haired girl, who puffed up with pride.

"See how easy? Wanna hear another one, Ichigo-kun?"

Ichigo sighed and nodded slowly.

"Anything's worth a try right now."

Orihime beamed and started in on her description of the Kreb's cycle. Meanwhile across the circle, Ishida nudged Chad and lowered his voice.

"H-How does she get such good test scores with logic like that?" Ishida stammered incredulously.

The quiet giant next to him shrugged.

"Hmm... I guess different peoples' brains really do work in different ways..."

"It's more than different; it's downright strange."

Ichigo's head dropped to his desk in despair and Orihime stopped her lecture and tentatively patted Ichigo on the head.

"There, there, you'll do fine-- or at least better than Keigo."

Ichigo sunk further in despair at the thought of being compared intellectually with Keigo.

Orihime smiled sweetly, then paused and turned back to Ishida and Chad. As she did, her carefree grin became almost imperceptibly tighter. For a second, Ishida panicked, sure that she'd heard him, then immediately dismissed this as paranoia. He was wrong. Girls can hear anything someone in the same room says about them, no matter how quiet. It's like a super-power.

"And I'm sure you two will do great, too! But, Ishida-kun... I realized the other day that if I want to take over the world with my army of genetically engineered fire-breathing rabbits when I grow up, I'm going to have to be first in my class if I want to qualify for evil genius status. Otherwise I'll just be a sardonic simpleton, and that'd ruin my street creds."  
"Ah... that's interesting... Good luck?" Ishida floundered, trying to figure out an appropriate response to a sentence like that.

"Ishida-kun! Don't you get it?" Inoue scolded, grey eyes a tad challenging.

"Uhh... get what?"

"That means I'm gonna have to score higher than you this year. I'm sorry, Ishida-kun, but this is my future we're talking about. I didn't try last year 'cause then everyone would have called me the smart girl, and then they'd all ask me questions like they do with you and Ryo-chan and I'd never have any time for day-dreaming time at all, but I suppose I have to make sacrifices this year... I hope you don't mind..."

"'Didn't try last year'? But you ranked third!"

"Well, yeah, but that was mainly intuition... and the twenty minutes Ochi-sensei gave us to review in class..." Orihime said.

Everyone at the table gaped at her and Ishida joined Ichigo in the pit of despair. He'd studied two straight weeks for that damned test. Oblivious to the atmosphere of jealousy, Orihime stared off into space for a while until Tatsuki popped up beside her like the sneaky ninja she was and waved her bento in front of Orihime's dazed face.

"Hey, Earth to Orihime! It's lunchtime; you ready?"

Immediately, Orihime's eyes widened and she snapped out of her fantasy world.

"Huh? Oh, right! That's a first: I forgot all about food! Hold on a sec, ok?"

Orihime bolted out of her seat and practically ran to her locker to retrieve her prized culinary frankenstein of the day.

Tatsuki shrugged and took her friend's vacated seat in the circle.

"Why do you all look so gloomy? We practically have a day off today."

Ichigo sighed and rubbed the back of his neck with a free hand.

"I'm just trying to catch up on schoolwork and it's wearing me out."

"Yeah, why were you absent all those days? I had to make up a new excuse for you every day. You're just lucky I'm on the Student Disciplinary Committee, ya dumb slug." Tatsuki rolled her eyes and kicked his chair hard enough to make him lose balance and fall to the ground.

Rukia and Tatsuki barely even glanced at each other, but somehow they managed to perfect and communicate a whole devious plan in five seconds. It's another girl thing. Rukia snickered and subtly inched Ichigo's heavy chemistry book to the edge of the table until gravity kicked into action and sent ten pounds of knowledge colliding with Ichigo's head.

"Damn it, that hurt!"

"Oops! Sorry! Are you ok?" Rukia cooed innocently.

And even though he'd just seen her try to kill him, Ichigo and the others were almost fooled by her pseudo-concern. All the emotional supression the Kuchiki family thrives on is actually useful once in a while.

"Whatever. You deserved it, dumbass. Seriously, where were you all that time?"

Ichigo slumped back in his chair and put on his crankiest I-haven't-had-my-nap-today scowl. Tatuki fired back with the glare she usually reserved for Chizuru. Ichigo lost.

"I, uh, was sick. Really contagious."

Tatsuki raised a cynical eyebrow.

"Uh huh. What did you have, then?"

Ichigo scowled harder as he tried to think of a cool disease, but even though he lived in a clinic, his mind remained a total blank. He hoped he hadn't sustained any actual brain damage from Rukia and Tatsuki's prank. He really didn't want to end up like Ganju.

"Well?" Tatsuki challenged, eyes glinting with malicious amusement.

"Uhhh.. It was, uh, Polio! A nasty case, too. Almost had to get a wheelchair."

_-Crap. I had to pick the lamest disease ever, didn't I?_ _Well, _Ichigo reasoned guiltily to himself_, the last part wasn't quite a lie._

-His conscience scoffed. _How do you figure? _

_-Err... some of the training the vizards put me through could have crippled me..._

_-You're an idiot._

-_Hey! That makes you an idiot, too!_

_-Well, you're the king of idiots._

_-Nuh-uh!_

_-Uh-huh!_

_-King, kingidy king kiiiing! Make way for the king of the morons!_

_-Nuh-uh!_

As he was trying to think up a better argument to use against himself, Ichigo realized that something was familiar about his 'conscience's' voice. Something that reminded him of weird snake-tongues, creepy pale skin, and a fondness of masks.

_-Hey! You're not me! Uh, sort of. Whatever. Stop eavesdropping before I kick your ass again._

_-But I'm boooored!_

_-Go be all albino and angsty somewhere else!_

_-No._

_-Don't make me go get Zangetsu!_

_- Hey, no fair! Tattle-tale!_

_- Find a snowstorm to get lost in. _

_- I know! Let's play a game together. It's called 'I hate you.'_

_- I'm NOT arguing with my evil alter ego... I'm NOT arguing with my evil alter ego..._

"Ichigo, are you ok? You kind of had a... uhhh... Orihime moment there." Chad rumbled, trying to keep a straight face.

"He's fine." Tatsuki said, "I'll admit, you almost had me going with the staring into space thing, but I'm not dumb. 1) No one gets effing Polio any more. 2) I checked your house a couple times. You weren't even there."

"I, uhhh..."

Ichigo cast his eyes desperately around the room, trying to find something to inspire a brilliant excuse. Fortunately for him, a well-endowed diversion skipped into the room at that moment and was promptly mauled by a lesbian who'd been lying in wait for her love to get back. Tatsuki growled impatiently and started off to pry the parasite from her best friend, preferably with a crowe bar.

"You're not off the hook, you know!"

Ichigo sighed. "Yeah."

Lost in his mental morass of self-pity and guilt, he didn't even notice that the most abnormally-proportioned woman in the history of the world had plopped down in the chair next to him until he turned to say something to Chad and nearly ended up suffocating in the canyons of cushiness.

"Ichigo, you're such a bad boy! No wonder you're in trouble with chick-who-reminds-me-of-Yoruichi." Rangiku chuckled.

"Mmmmph!"

"Yoruichi? Hmm... I guess there is some similarity there..." Uryuu mused.

"I think he's stuck." Chad said.

"Mhgm.. mhmph." Ichigo agreed, losing more oxygen with each syllable.

Across the room, a ear-piercing cry was loosed from Keigo, who had happened to glance over and whose eyes were consequently now leaking wide tear-rivers.

"NOoOoOOO! Some guys get all the luck! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

From the other end of the room, another cry was let loose.

"NOoOoOOO! My curried peanut-butter guacamole sandwiches got soggy! IT'S NOT FAIR!" Orihime pouted.

"You can try my _lunch-box_ if you want..." Chizuru began, until her face was smashed in by her real lunch-box, courtesy of Tatsuki.

In his isolated corner of the classroom, Hitsugaya put his fingers in his ears and groaned.

"The human world gives me a headache."

A/N- Ah, the cracktasticosity of it all. I decided to take a quick study-break from translating Moliere from French to English to work on this, and now here I am, two hours later, finishing the chapter at two in the morning. Le sigh. Ah well, it happens. Also, anyone notice how the preview I gave last chapter has nothing to do with this one? Oops. Well, you know the drill-- click the pretty periwinkle box to review or else I'll... uhhh... give you Polio.

...Don't make me do it.

...Really.


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